Stuck in lockdown, unlikely to see anyone, then standards began to slip. I still took daily showers, changed my clothes every day but those other essentials of maleness fell away. I didn’t shave every day and couldn’t get to a hairdresser.

As a result my beard grew quite respectably and it still contained elements of its original hair colour, and had not turned white like the stuff on my scalp. I’d make a passable Father Christmas with some care.

My hair soon reached down to my shoulders, and became unruly. It needed to be washed every day, which being very light meant it blew in my face all the time. Lacking a professional barber it always looked lack-lustre. It was not my best feature (no idea what is?).

It was a welcome day when I could walk into my local barber’s to get my hair cut. As locks fell to the ground we discovered we’d lived within a few streets of each other in the London suburbs. It was a lovely encounter as my small rural town has been taken over young men describing themselves as ‘traditional Turkish barbers’. No idea what that means, except in a small town rumours spread. They were not Turkish, but Syrian, or Armenian. Who knows or cares? I could see that they relied on clippers to shave the sides leaving an unruly top-nob that looked uncontrollable. Not my style.

I was very happy with my West End trained London barber. So pleased that I bought him a bacon roll. As a result he used his razor to remove most of my beard. Back home a proper shave had me looking pristine again. A neighbour said, ‘Oh there’s a human,’ as I passed her.

Why do men sport facial hair? I don’t want to imagine what it feels like being kissed by all that hair. The moustache is the most difficult, followed by the goatee. Both require regular maintenance, so defeating the real reason for allowing the stuff to sprout, to save time!

Don’t expect me to understand the logic of women, or what makes men attractive to these beautiful creatures. I’m seriously heterosexual (I can say that can’t I?) loving women, and cannot understand how they can adore smelly, arrogant, uncaring men. That is another story.