Who Am I

Trevor Lockwood, aged 44Sometmes you must let others define who you are. Many years ago I had an astrologer prepare my chart. This is the main entry – me as a Piscean with the Sun in the Fifth House, with a Grand Air Chine.

It said:

Sun In Pisces in the 5th House
Will anyone every really know you, truly understand you, plumb the very depths of your soul and sincerely appreciate what is there? It’s doubtful and would prove difficult indeed because the dynamic of the Piscean personality is one of extremes, evidenced in its symbol, two fish, joined, but always to swim in opposite directions. The Piscean nature carries within it all the extremity and diversity the myriad forms its element, water, can display deep still ponds, rushing babbling brooks, slow streams, gentle rain, raging storms, ebbing and flooding tides. Its placement in the zodiac as the 12th and final sign is thought to be a composite of the journey of the human soul, blending and exhibiting characteristics of all the other signs, and usually they will manifest in their extremes as well. Who really could understand all that – even the Pisces native is often stymied by himself. In your chart, particular placements and aspects enhance and emphasize these extremes, and you probably frequently find yourself misunderstood.
You have within the kite shape of your pattern, a Grand Air Trine. This indicates highly idealistic and individualistic people with excellent mental faculties. They have incredible artistic talent, frequently expressed through some medium of communication, writing, music, film, and the ability to influence others through their ideas and their ideals. This pattern carries tremendous momentum and frequently produces geniuses, but they are also very apt to drift, and quite subject to frustration. However, you have a very forgiving chart with many opportunities to pick up the thread and start over.
You are an old soul who has gone through many lives; a reservoir containing the wisdom of each, with no lack of diverse talents and abilities. You carry within yourself the best and the worst of the human experience to draw from, so your gifts are great, and as such their use can be great, for good or ill – a staggering responsibility when you allow yourself to think about it, and on occasion you do. These gifts can be used to greatly serve others or to greatly serve yourself. Much of your life will seem to involve choosing between extremes. And through it all, there seems, not only to you, but others in your life notice it as well, there is a sense of blessedness about you, as though you are being protected by the gods.
Rarely motivated by material ambitions, you can succeed at anything you put your mind to, provided it inspires you. You are multifaceted with many talents, but your greatest gifts lie in the realm of the creative, artistic or musical. Your strengths lie in your idealism, inspiration, limitless imagination, sensitivity, and peace-making. You have a talent for independent, creative work, but can function equally well in a helping role. Mystic, artistic, musical, emotional and imaginative, you are a dreamer. Outwardly you might seem quiet and unobtrusive, but your inner life is rich. Though it may prove difficult to verbalize or interpret your inner experiences in a way others can understand, the world of your imagination, feelings, and intuition is as real to you as anything in the outer world.
You really have few prejudices and are not apt to objectively or subjectively judge the actions of another; you require an experiential basis for that. And even then you’re not one to pass critical judgements but are understanding and tolerant. Insatiably curious about the human experience, adventurous enough to explore it fully and with a bent toward the extreme, by this age, what you have not experienced, you have at least imagined – given the limitless potential of your imagination these things can blur; what you imagined, you might as well have experienced. All this has served to render you essentially ‘shock-proof ’. At the same time it has also enabled in you a rare sympathy of spirit – friends, even strangers, comfortably confide anything in you, never having the slightest concern that you would be shocked or judgemental or castigating. You are incredibly forgiving of the human condition, its frailty, its cruelty, and will give chance after chance to those who may disappoint you, even hurt you.
You have charisma and a natural radiance that is a powerful factor in attracting partners and if you use it well, you will make honourable and successful attachments. Impressions are important and you enjoy being grandiose, but with a magnanimous yet modest demeanour. Your creative talents can bring gain through speculation, investment, enterprise, children, pleasure and places of amusements, anything which allows you to project your natural love of life. You need to express your identity through your work, project yourself and make an impact on others. However you cannot thrive in a subservient position. You are not adverse to risk, if the gamble is worth it. There could be loss through speculations, troubles and jealousy in courtship, trouble with children, and sorrow through love, pleasure and pride.
A master of satire, your caustic observations can flood and surround like fireflies on a summer night, flashing off and on so fast one can’t keep up with them. Yet, if a bright remark whose exact meaning or intent escapes you is casually tossed your way, you get a decidedly uncomfortable feeling. Humour is one of your secret weapons; your disarming smile often covers unshed tears. You’re as facile with slapstick as you are with sophisticated jokes. The fun can be warm and innocuous and it can also be cold and unsparing. Whatever the case it often is a cover for another emotion you hide; your laughs are often masks and they disguise you well. But you do bring a sense of fun to relationships and if children are around, they are taken with you immediately. Your nature is dramatic and expressive; you do like being the centre of attention
You can get upset now and then, your anger is seldom violent or long lasting and the placid waters soon calm. Although you have difficulty in fathoming yourself, you have no problem in seeing all the subtleties of others clearly. You’re not easily fooled, you see right through them and their agendas, but you can easily fool others, and you do, a lot. You are generally charming, of good and gentle nature, and not much will excite you to violent action, but if and when something does, your temper takes its form in your clever, caustic tongue issuing out barbs and arrows drenched in biting and levelling sarcasm that pierce right to the heart and soul of whatever adversary was unfortunate enough to rouse that monster in you from its abyss.
Your ability to love is boundless and you are the consummate romantic. You can easily fall in love with love, and may be disposed to love affairs. You respond very strongly to beauty and reciprocate magnanimously to love. You’ve had to learn to be economical and cautious about money, it didn’t come naturally to you. You have a tendency in love relationships to lean emotionally on your partner. You require reassurance and faith, and respond poorly to nagging and criticism. Your nature ensures that you are inclined to heavy use by others, and as a result of that, sometimes in the sanctity of your home, you can come undone rather easily. You would require a partner who can put you back together, wrapping you up and tying the knots tight enough so it won’t happen again too soon, but that also knows it will, understands well the wear and tear your life takes on you and doesn’t resent the routine maintenance required.
However, partnerships will function best for you when you avoid vacillating between extremes – having unrealistic expectations of your partner and feeling the odds are stacked against you. A lover and a peace-maker, not a fighter, you try to avoid open conflict, patiently ignoring or “tuning out” problems hoping they will go away by themselves, rather than directly confronting them. Sometimes you become detached from your immediate environment, with no thought to housekeeping and day to day duties, so that things become a bit disorderly; that it bothers those around you more than it does you, bothers them even more. You also tend to do things in a subtle, often covert, manner. Then there are those ever so slight tendencies to be lazy and negligent, or to wallow for a bit in self-pity, or to indulge in fantasies of martyrdom. But to be fair, in reality, you do live your life in a lonely understanding of truth that is too deep to express so you are apt to be overcome with spells of loneliness and depression and become rather gloomy about it. However with the proper handling one can snap you right out it. Pisceans are particularly vulnerable to sug­gestion.
Gentle at heart, impressionable, receptive, you are a sensitive person with a genuine love and concern for others. So keenly empathic, you often sense things psychically or intuitively that prove to be right. Tolerant, forgiving, nonjudgemental, you accept people unconditionally regardless of their flaws, mistakes, or appearance. Your depth of compassion often allows you to feel the pain of others’ suffering as if it were your own. You are sympathetic to the needy, the disadvantaged, even the misfits of society. More than most, you are aware of, and witness to, the tragedies of human existence.
Within whatever work or job you do, you give selflessly. Your life is a devoted, compassionate service to others. That said, you tend to give of yourself and your resources, indiscriminately, to let others take advantage of your kindness and to encourage the weak to remain so, by becoming dependent upon you. You have little sense of boundaries or limits, of knowing when to say “no”. Moderation and self-discipline in that respect are not your strong points. Standing against the injustices and inequities in the world, choosing to always believe the best in others, will often leave you misunderstood and disillusioned, because you’ve put yourself in another impossible situation that will inevitably lead to disappointment – but you know that. You have this internal conversation with yourself almost daily and have had for as long as you can remember.
Occult beliefs and practices have probably always held an interest for you, tugging at your imagination, as though you were born with an understanding of esoteric principles – and you were. Even when not involved or practised in some way, they have served to anchor your vivid imagination and keep you emotionally stable.
At the same time you don’t believe you can live forever, you worry that you won’t. You don’t take as good care of yourself as you should and spend more of your excess energy than you have to spare helping friends and relatives which usually results in you taking on their burdens and troubles. For some of your ilk, such depletion of energy can pose a risk of excessive substance use in an effort to manage this serious drain on their health, physically and emotionally.  But you have a hidden inner resistance. If you have risen to the challenge you have discovered this latent strength and know how call on it, literally hypnotizing yourself into or out of anything you choose.

A Week of Contrasts

I probably need to get rid of the black dog first. It’s right that you should do what you wish, not just respond to the demands of others. I’m a sensitive soul and two events this week were enough to through me off balance. When I was  sadly let down. Nuff said, time to move on. The rest of the week was good if I ignored the rest of the world. My government is now threatening Russia – what’s the matter with them? Not in my name!

Went to Leiston (location of nuclear power stations – ugh!) to see a group of shanty singers from Sheringham. Forgot where Leiston was so went sailing past the turn, nearly reaching Lowestoft! Turned round and got there eventually!

Went to an Indian restaurant Cinnamon My beautiful companion enthused so much promising to include a visit on her birthday. It was good. Not sure I’ll make the birthday guest list, from what she was saying she has a lucky victim already selected. It’s one advantage of being an old man, as I no longer pose a threat, or even a prospect!

Then to St Margaret’s Church, Leiston, a beautiful place, well worth a visit even without the singers. Magnificence in a small church – please visit.

That was Friday – excellent group of lads from Sheringham, so good that no-one bothered to smash in the head of the guy with a Nowich City  Football Club scarf (that typo is deliberate).

Saturday saw a different church, St John’s Felixstowe, different women and a change of atmosphere. My lovely friend Maggie played the violin as part of the orchestra for an oratorio about Hercules. Not my favourite work, and it lasted just two performances when originally performed. However the soloists, orchestra and the choir did a sterling job. We are so lucky that so many folk practise for hours just to receive a few claps from the audience, and a mound of personal satisfaction. Why do we waste so much money on foreign footballers and nothing on locally-created arts?

Shared lunch with Maggie at Bencotto’s before she left to rehearse. Surprised at the lack of vegetarian options, yet it remains my favourite place in town.